i am [again and again]

 (photo above of me on the left, by my talented priend.)

It has been awhile since I've done one, so here we go...

I am peeling away the layers of my bullshit.

I come from a place of shame and blame, (mostly myself), with a healthy dose of finger pointing along the way that has at times, resembled self-pity.

I see that pity parties are a very good way to stall the process when the shit-shifting gets hard. It has become tediously monotonous, although I have yet to discover a way to completely eliminate a good, rousing pity-filled moment from my bag of tricks. But then we all know old habits die hard.

I love myself. Especially the bits that have caused a lot of shame and blame. 

I  try really hard to trust that I am worthy.

I believe that like a magpie, I am easily drawn to the shiny and sparkly, and that includes people. Momentarily blinded, (and often for a long time), I choose to stifle my hurt by looking the other way with a mouthful of weak excuses for someone that doesn't and never has deserved such devotion. (Especially when it has always been one-way.)

I find myself blindsided again. Dumbstruck and confused, I am at once embarrassed and sad. I'm also thankful that only a handful of close friends noticed. And if anyone else is aware they haven't said anything, and I'm grateful for that to.

I wonder (and am working hard to figure out), what it is about me that is attracting hurtful and confusing relationships, acquaintances, and encounters to manifest around me. 

I call in and upon my inner strength to maintain the clear boundaries I am learning the hard way to set. 

I found out that the only way that I'm going to heal myself and the enormous baggage of emotional whoozie I've been dragging along behind me for decades is to love myself. Not just the personal attributes, but the shame and blame too. I'm trying to love all of me, and especially my insecurities and downfalls, so I can find ways to turn them from a negative, (shame and blame), to something useful, perhaps even positive.