For my happiness project this month, I've focused on June's theme of order as a way to get through this move across the country. Last night I was thinking about order and the lack of it in my personal life, even before we entered the crazy weeks leading up to this move.
I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and always have. I try to play along, try to fit in, but most times, I'm the girl on the outside looking in.
I am a girl that wants to be liked, maybe more than the average girl. Because I've always felt different, when I've been noticed, especially by someone I admire, I can lose perspective. I allow myself to be a doormat, taking whatever comes my way, making excuses, forgiving again and again.
Despite hurt feelings, I like that I can see past the muck and crap, that my nature is to forgive. Because everyone and I mean everyone, has their bag of shit they bring to a relationship. There will always be things you like and don't like; it's just a matter of what you can handle.
And I can handle a lot, especially when the alternative, is not an alternative. Rather than wallow in self-pity, (which I can do very well), I've realized that I need to re-establish my personal boundaries. Instead of taking it all in and torturing myself because I'm not...(insert adjective du jour), I'm contemplating how to be open without being walked upon.
I'm teaching myself that sometimes, I'm going to have to let go. That I can't fix everything, despite the over-drive co-dependency that kicks in whenever I'm faced with adversity.
My word for 2010 is blossom and I need to trust the process in order to flourish.
my happiness project is directly inspired by the book and website: the happiness project.
