It's interesting, this dance of simultaneous worlds that circle me. There's so much that's lovely - there are any number of moments in a day that find me happy, but mixed along side, has been a lot of stress and worry and everything else that goes along with these powerful emotions.
I'm working hard on consistency, trying hard to not see it as monotony, while juggling a seemingly continual stream of the blues. It's different here in California than it was in New Jersey. Back East I felt isolated and lonely. Here, I'm in familiar territory: home. Or what I refer to as home which really means where I grew up.
From March 2010 until Friday, March 11th of this year, I'd put everything on hold. Everything. I still packed my family and we moved across the country. But my own personal shit, I put all of that on hold for an entire year. A year that I filled with expectations and assumptions and a whole host of other crap that amounts to malarkey. Despite hearing news that I didn't want to hear that Friday afternoon, (although I wasn't surprised when it came), it was a relief because it was done. The year of rumination, (aka the year of torturing myself), was done.
A clean slate.
I'm not making any declarations because when I get declarative, the descent of talking myself out of good ideas/decisions begins. I'm truly my own worst enemy and instead of telling myself what I should and will be doing, I'm setting guidelines; baby-stepping lists that allow me to set up a schedule without freaking myself right out. A schedule that knows my limitations. I might think I can do a lot of things, (there's that competitive streak I was talking about), but I've also been around this block and I'm aware of what went wrong.
These necessary steps don't rule out fun. Been there, done that, have the shirt, (it shrunk by the way), and now I have the opportunity to try something new. To show myself that I'm not defined by the negative labels that I hurl my way.
Once I cut myself a break, my path becomes open and clear.
