i am, no. 4

I am learning to live without my sister in this world.

I come from such darkness and despair at the beginning of the year to this place now, content, even as I look over my shoulder thinking, holy fuck.

I see that I can survive, even when I have nothing left.

I love my man and my kid for loving me, (very unconditionally), during this period when I've been every unsavory characteristic I possess, times one thousand. It hasn't been easy to be me, or around me, these past couple months. I've leaned heavily on both of them and they've caught me every time.

I trust that I can get through this.

I believe in opportunity. All we get is this one life and I'm tired of holding myself back. My sister did not hold herself back. She lived her life fully and as she wished. She didn't believe in the woulda, coulda, shoulda and if you told her she should, (oh how I've thrown that stupid word around), than she most definitely wouldn't and quietly too. She was always so good at doing exactly what she wanted under the radar. I'm learning from her all the time. 

I find it difficult to look at photos of her, and at the same time, I'm fascinated by the moments that were captured because I wasn't shooting any of it. I don't have a lot of images of those weeks in Vancouver. The photos that I do have are there because Leslie turned the camera on herself, (a gift that she gave me that I cherish even if it feels like a kick in the gut to see them), and her boyfriend kept shooting. 

I wonder if I'll be able to pull it together and know wholeheartedly that I can and will. And that this too shall pass, because it always does.

I call in  my guardian angels and spirit guides to help me. And I rely on myself to know when to call.

I found out that everything has turned out as it should. Humility and embarrassment are really transitory feelings; a way to feel sorry for myself and also, stall momentum. And now I know that when everything settles down, I'll be settled with myself. I'm not sure what any of this looks like, but I'm not worrying about any of it.*

*One thing I've learned is that worrying and fretting has done NOTHING for me. It's a waste of my fucking time and I'd much rather waste my time in other ways that are pleasant.