The grieving process allows you an opportunity to take a good hard look at yourself. At the way you're living your life and how you want to proceed. There's a definitive marker when someone you loves dies; the before and after. It's the reliving of the moments leading up to her passing, that I'd like to release. It's the before that is holding me captive, literally unable to untangle my minds' eye so I cease to see the sad, slow frame by frame that stops only when I have a camera in front of me.
A dear friend said to me that the real processing begins once she passes...and truer words have never been heard. With this processing, I'm peeling away layers of myself. And right now, I'm dealing with the unsavory bits; the shit that I've masked as other things, my patterns of self-destruct. Oh how worn are my tales of woe. Rendering myself defenseless in the face of tools that no longer, (and never did), work; my way of protection, my hard candy coated shell.
I'm a product of what I know, (aren't we all), and some habits are decades in the making. In some ways, I'm seeing myself for the first time and trust me when I say, that the parts I'm seeing mixed in with the good, aren't. I need to work on some of my protection devices and learn a better way to communicate. I don't need to examine the scarred and scorched patch where the last incommunicado went down. I don't need to feel sad and confused, or confuse and sadden those around me that I love.
I am, like all of us, a work in progress, working towards progressing forward to a better and happier me.
