fear as a base camp

I went to the beach for the first time this summer. Los Angeles was having a bit of a heat wave and here at the beach, without a breeze or a foggy cloud cover, it was hot. Very few people have air conditioning around here and the few days, (weeks in this case), a year when it's hot like this we like to complain. 

Which is why I finally dove into the ocean last Tuesday afternoon. I'm embarrassed to admit that it's the first time I've gone under the waves since we moved here three years ago. Until that point, it was a small dink to the shoulders and that would suffice.

I realize now that it wasn't the temperature of the sea that kept me from putting my head under the waves, it was fear. I recognize now that over the years, I've developed a somewhat irrational fear of the ocean. Based on reverence for its power and strength, it's equally combined with a healthy dose of too much Shark Week. I'm aware of the world under the sea and that I'm an alien when I go in. 

Putting all of that aside, (and of course not going deeper than my waist), it was amazing to push myself and go under. I was invigorated, liberated. And still a little scared when the waves break heavy and frothy on top of each other with very little time to brace for the next roll.

***

I pushed fear aside this past weekend to attend an in person writing workshop, my first ever. Interestingly, (or not), considering I've been to retreats and taken workshops over the years, I've always danced away from the writing classes. And this class isn't about me becoming an author, this workshop was a way to feel better about talking about myself, a way to be able to promote myself and my work without making excuses. 

I expected to get a decent bio out of the experience, a way to word my artist statement so I don't cringe every time I see it before me. And I hoped to make a new friend or two. 

What I didn't expect was the effervescence that was this group of women. All of us where there for different reasons, but with a common aesthetic that linked us in a way that I've never felt linked with a group of strangers. 

Even if I never see these ladies again, I know that they helped shape a moment in my life that was defining. Being comfortable in a group of strangers, talking, making myself vulnerable, all of that is something I'm normally not comfortable with. 

***

I recognize now that I've been in isolation. I've kept my heart close, unable to push through fear, always doubting, because my recent past had proven that without my boundaries in place, crap decisions will be made.