You know your friends really get you when you're asked the hard questions. Those instances when you stand in front of your path and you're asked,
"are you sure this is what you want to do?"
On one hand I'm at a cross roads. I'm free from any working obligations and I can do and be, (literally), anyone I want.
"Are you sure you want to be an acupuncturist...what about being a designer again?"
The last time I worked as an interior designer, my version of AutoCAD was r14. The program has evolved into a language that I no longer speak, so really, I'd be starting over again. And that would mean I actually wanted to be a designer again, which I do not. I'm really good at putting color and texture together and I was anal enough to be really good at drafting and making certain there were enough widgets to put together vast rows of modular furniture; floors and floors of minutiae, 1/8" scale.
I've done that and I don't ever want to do that again. I burned out and with that, closed the door on anything related to interior design. I shut out architectural elements and designers I admired to make room for Chinese herbs and tongue analysis.
In some ways, I screwed myself by closing the door so completely on my design background. Because I had to walk away in order to focus and learn my new craft of poking people, I convinced myself that I couldn't be an artist and an acupuncturist. And I did such a good job convincing myself that I couldn't be an artist and an acupuncturist, I didn't even realize that I'd made this distinction, until a good friend pointed it out. It hadn't occured to me that I didn't have to choose. Even if I didn't believe it to be true, I could be both. It was a golden light bulb of awareness, my true a-ha moment when I realized I'm passionate about my work as an acupuncturist, but my passion is my creativity.
Since that moment over two years ago, I've worked hard to blend the line and it hasn't been easy. I have a very hard time monetizing my work and I make a lot of excuses why I can't, even in the face of opportunity.
I'm at a crossroad, it's true. Once I begin to stop the self-doubt and excuses, I will hear my voice. My path will become clear as I follow my own inspiration and instincts and stop seeking external approval for each baby step.
I need to believe.
