Until yesterday, I was all over the place, literally kinetic with exhausted energy that wouldn't ground. As always, I was grateful for my monthly acupuncture appointment, my reset button, and today, I feel more focused.
Last week was loaded. Loaded with emotion and memories; a week of serious reflection and facing a part of my past that I hadn't thought about in decades. A memorial service will do that to you; your shared history buried with the person who has passed. Truly, a rite of passage. And as most memorial services go, it's a time for celebration, and in this case, reunion, which was all a bit overwhelming for me.
In true fashion, I bolted after the services. Choosing to not face my past by making myself invisible is something I'm really good at apparently. My girlfriend said not one person saw me at the memorial and another pointed out that she'd never seen anyone disappear right before her eyes like I did. My safety net is my cloak of invisibility; powerful thoughts that obviously manifest in such a way that my message becomes, "nothing to see here, moving right along".
This friend that passed...it had been decades since we'd seen one other, save a brief encounter on the street a month earlier. I'd forgotten a lot of our history, perhaps because our connection began and ended misaligned.
I think in my haste to leave a situation where I felt uncomfortable, I missed an opportunity to heal. There will be other gatherings and events this year that I normally would have avoided. Instead, I plan to push through my discomfort and put myself out there, accepting rather than insulating. Knowing that moments that are awkward and uncomfortable, (as social situations can be for me in general), will happen. I can do it. It's valuable for me to see what awaits and to let myself grow.
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