-Alice in Wonderland
I used to make resolutions. Useful ones, ones that I'd be able to keep, mostly related to work. "Wear lipstick and mascara to work", because as an acupuncturist I could really wear whatever I wanted. The makeup wearing reminded me that I was actually a working professional; sometimes, working for myself, the lines would blur.
I stopped making resolutions when I started choosing a word for the year in 2010. That was the year I chose blossom, a word that found me growing and expanding and coming into my own. I admit that last year's word choice was based on how pretty it looked next to blossom on my necklace full of charms. However, grow I did.
This year's word doesn't resonate, but that would be typical for me. Like a new haircut, which I almost always hate by the third day, I need time to settle in with change and a new word and mood for the year is no different. Nomadic in my aspirations, I'm truly a ritual keeping, order seeking girl that likes continuity. Within the ordinary, I find freedom to dream my nomadic dreams.
I crave forward momentum, the necessity for an ebb and flow something I've now come to expect. Rarely will I find a concrete answer when I've spent my time worrying and fretting. Mother May I, giant step backwards and please, some added perspective; the only way that seems constant.
We make plans and I worry. About my health, (oh the woes of hypochondria), about my family, about it all. I try to block it out, try to not fret that that body part feels weird, what is that ache, fuck me.
All this worrying is avoidance. A whirling dervish of activity, the smoke and mirror effect of looking the other way, not ready to examine what it is I'm looking for.
Now what I wonder.
