I'm right there with you if it sounds like I'm on a pity party. Poor me and all the people that don't love me anymore. Waaah. It's there and I'm aware of it, just as I'm aware that I'm as responsible as the next person for how I've ended up here.
It's all about choices and I wish I could say that I've made rational decisions with my relationships; that I've been calm and clear thinking, and I didn't make assumptions. In fact, far too many relationship-based conclusions began as presumptions and if you know me you know that I loathe when it's done to me. Hypocrite much?
I'm not looking for excuses for my behavior. I would like a reprieve from the repetitive, self-flagellation of scenarios that repetitvely play over the course of a low moment on any given day. The chewing over and ruminating that is endless.
I do nothing because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to mend any of it because I'm not sure what's been fabricated by my emotions and what isn't.
Every time I think I'd like to figure it all out, say something, anything, I can't thing of a damn thing to say that feels like a start. And another day, (week), passes and then too much time really has gone by and what is left to say? The silence stagnates.
It's about choices, and taking responsibility with missed connections and opportunities, because there is always a moment when I think, 'i should have said smething...'
Gingerly, I place my mat back on the floor and begin again.
