I've been thinking about connections and how the lines intersect. That wanting, never realizing that perhaps you yourself have left someone else in the same position.
Round and round it goes.
I think about the decreasing diameter of my circle, the negligible shrinkage that has occurred, because tightening the tethers has become my safeguard.
When my sister was alive I always had a supporter and ally. I didn't need a best girlfriend because I had my sister, who was so much more than that. Someone that kept my ass in line and called me on my shit while praising me to the moon and back. She always believed in me, her big sister, even if she didn't agree with me.
I think about her a lot lately, even more than usual. This month between her birthday and her passing, (exactly one month to the day), was a heavy place this time two years ago, last year too.
This year the heaviness is cloaked in a different kind of sadness, an ache that ebbs and flows. I miss hearing her voice, especially in that made up voice we always used with one another. Half sing-song, half Valley Girl, something only we could do, (something our family members all tried to do), a sign of endearment for sure.
It was always the two of us. Ever since she passed, a part of me has been lost. I see now that I've been looking to fill a void and what I'm looking for can't be replaced.
Losing someone you love is learning to live with a broken heart.
Honey. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what this is like, but I feel your pain, and I am always here for you. xo
"what I'm looking for can't be replaced."
ReplyDeletesometimes i think that is the main lesson we have to keep learning, over and over. that we can't really go back.
what's the saying? you can never really enter the same river twice. because each time it is different. and so are you.
that keeps me going through all of the stuff that wants to drown me.
xo.
Losing a sister... I'm a little sister and my sis means the world to me. I think you're strong for sharing how it feels to lose her. I know writing always helps me deal with loss. Keep writing and get those feelings out.
ReplyDeletei understand this sentiment so well. that void, for me, became a sacred place. and somehow, realising... knowing just how irreplaceable (s)he is, brings comfort (through the heartbreak)... as it reaffirms the depth of your love.
ReplyDelete{{{{hugs}}}}
Vx