I felt pissy when I said I had the pre-birthday blues, (my birthday is tomorrow, the 15th), that this year, my sister wouldn't sing to me, (with the kids), as they drove to school. Both M and A reminded me that they got their birthday song, the simple fact that my birthday is later in the year means I missed out.
That's how it feels, like I'm missing out. Missing out on all the things I took for granted, because I really thought, (up until this past December when the cancer came back with a vengance), that we'd have each other as we got old.
So this birthday doesn't feel very celebratory, even though I'm trying to muster the 'hurray', when really I feel grateful to be able to celebrate my birthday, guilty because she can't and won't, and sad because the whole damn thing just is.
It didn't occur to me that after my sister's second and last scattering that I'd feel so bad. I knew there'd be closure, but I didn't realize that closure also meant a fresh round of pain. I cried my eyes out on Sunday and Monday; the finality of leaving Vancouver this time smacked me down and it shattered me to realize this was really it.
Today, for the first time in months, I feel acceptance. I've begun to acknowledge and process all that went down and I'm allowing myself to feel it all instead of stuffing it away for later. I know that I need to start taking care of myself for reals; that this hiatus I've lived under since her cancer returned is over and it's time to start mending.
Fall and Winter are good for self-care and I need it. My tendencies are to hunker down with hot tea and a good book and I'm working on squelching these desires. I'm putting forth the effort by taking myself to the gym twice a week to lift weights, even though I have to talk myself into it every time. And I mean, every time.
I'm locking down a better attitude about a gluten and dairy-free life. I'm reading every label and making sure that everything that goes into my mouth is one hundred percent, gluten and dairy-free. Too many times over the past six months and especially the past few weeks, I've taken an 'I don't care, I feel like shit anyway' attitude and I've paid for it/am still paying for it.
The rest of the time, (meaning the two days that I'm not going to the gym), I want to be outside moving my body, taking advantage of the incredible weather we have here in Los Angeles, that makes exercising outside during the cooler months ideal. I want to master how to hoop dance, before Burning Man next year and I'd like to start hiking in the different canyons we have all around us.
I plan to make every effort to get down to the beach every day. Breathing in the briny air, my face and hair dampened by the salted mist does wonders for my psyche and soul, my space to heal and grow.
