I realized the other day when I was talking to a friend, that I have a new operating system that I'm learning to navigate.
It feels like I've changed in every way imaginable and with that I'm starting over again in the familiar. I recognize glimpses of myself, the self I've known for this many years, but now I'm different and it's new and I forget that everything has changed.
I think it's hard to be my friend these days because lately, I'm not sure I know myself very well. And what's left to give when all that I have goes into making routines and normalcy for our kid, trying to be a present partner, all while trying to heal myself on the side.
My eyes twitch incessantly; a combination of stress and strain in a staccato rhythmic beat against my cheeks. Panic attacks are frequent and triggered most often by a lack of food, water or some combination of both.
I'm lonely and I crave every second that I spend in solitude, drunk on the quiet solace of my thoughts. Tortured still, by these same thoughts that I think I crave.
I make plans for the future and dark thoughts twist my perception so that only doom and gloom can be the outcome. I haven't been able to pull my own head out very easily; thoughts become things and I try not to dwell on anything for too much time for fear that it all comes true.
Like hallucinogenics gone bad, I wonder when this (head) trip will end.
