Being shy is something I've grown comfortable with, after years of self-abuse in the form of putting myself into uncomfortable situations and circumstances because I should. On that list of occasions, I've skulked along walls at parties and I've been so awkward in public speaking situations that I've made the audience uncomfortable. If not for my friend who rescued me by initiating a Q and A session, I'd have probably pissed myself.
My shy doesn't always come across as such. In fact, shy is usually the last adjective used to describe me, (I've been told). I've also been told that I can I come across as aloof, haughty even. Once you know me I won't shut up, but it's the initial meeting that often becomes botched. I'm horrible at small talk. If I can't think of anything to say, I won't. And then it becomes all uncomfortable and I blurt out stupid shit, things that I could pinch the underside of my arm for saying, conversation killers to be certain.
Some people are going to get me and some won't, that's life. I can choose to stop dwelling on the botched phone calls and meet-ups or I can continue to torture myself with the 'why doesn't she like me?' until the cows come home. (and since there are no cows in my little beach town, that will be a long time coming.)
A wise friend once explained as she held up her left hand, "this is how many close friends you need in life...your other hand is for everyone else."
At this point, I am who I am and remembering that, is going to carry me a lot further in this life than the woulda, shoulda, coulda game.
