Flipping channels one afternoon last week, I stumbled upon Mean Girls. Of course the scene on the tele characterized something I've been thinking about a lot lately, in that serendipitous way that is almost annoying. That particular scene has lingered, pulling a silly little movie, (or so I thought), into another light, illuminating the very slippery slope that is gossip and cliques.
Pretending to be someone else, affecting an air of indifference, befriending someone that you claim to dislike...all of that suggests what is really at its core: wanting to fit in.
It doesn't matter whether it's real life or online, the drama that surrounds gossip is permeable and I've been around long enough, (both in real life and online), to call bullshit.
To the glitter-filled fairy fart that has this and that person as BFF's forever, meanwhile that same duo gossips and talks shit about the other behind closed doors.
To the coming together and sharing that is supposed to garner community, and instead becomes the well spring for a lot of gunk that arises and sloshes about. Murky thoughts and feelings linger as image after image appears online for your viewing pleasure; a cavalcade of emotions erupts from a seemingly innocent gathering.
It's a fact that girls and women trash each other again and again. I see it in the stories my eleven year old shares about school, and I see it happening at my age, (which is a whole lot more than eleven). It's passive-aggressive and insidious and it breaks us down collectively.
I'd be lying if I were to pretend that I haven't and don't gossip, or that I haven't been part of some really awful clique experiences, where I've excluded and/or been excluded. I'm far too old for it, and yet its presence is there.
After the last round, I determined to not take part again. And to my credit, (or not), I can say that I've remained true to that personal declaration; effectively extricating myself and partaking less socially so that I could heal and examine my contribution to that shit show.
I've learned a lot about myself. How I interact in groups big and small and where my comfort zone lies. What boundaries I needed to instill and set into place so that I would not find myself in this situation again.
I see now that I've also inadvertently isolated myself to the point of loneliness. Part protection, part necessity, I've been journaling about this, looking at where I've been and what it means now, so that I can branch out and start connecting again.
Regardless of how it can be with women, I know this: just walk away.
It's what I tell my girl when there's drama and gossip and she feels uncomfortable, ant it's what I've been telling myself all these months of learning.
Just walk away.
You daughter is lucky that she has a wise mama to guide her through some of it. When I was in middle school, I got picked on by very mean girls and I still blame that time for pretty much destroying my self-esteem. I just didn't know how to deal with it and my mother didn't really know what to say to me.
ReplyDeleteIt happened to me again in my mid-30's and it was just as painful and since then, I have not connected well with many people. When I think about it, I see what you mention, that I ended up isolating myself too much. And while I do get lonely, at least I have managed to work through some things and I don't hate myself like I did when I was younger. I think I'm pretty cool, it just takes awhile to get to know me and most people don't have the patience. Or something like that. At any rate, I don't truly believable that I am just unlikable.
And while I see it more with girls/women, men do it too. Will has some friends here who act like junior high school girls and it drives me nuts. They get mad at one another and then call Will to bitch about the other one and try to get him into it. And another one who tells lies about people just to cause drama. Seriously. It's ridiculous and I can't be around when Will has them over and they just gossip about each other.