After my sister died, I had a hard time making future plans. It seemed like I'd dodged a bullet somehow; how is this real and how am I still standing? I suppose it's a type of survivor guilt, or just pessimistic thoughts that linger.
Going to London was a milestone of sorts. I remember being frightened that I wouldn't make it those six months into the future; that my ticket would be unused and maybe I shouldn't be making future plans or vacations. One day at a time seemed like a better option.
Other plans since then have been made, traveled and passed, (like NYC this summer), so it's interesting that London was so significant. Perhaps the lingering memories of a lot of solo travel to Vancouver remained, and it was traveling solo to London that made it seem fraught with worry. (also: fear, anxiety, and paranoia.)
Other plans since then have been made, traveled and passed, (like NYC this summer), so it's interesting that London was so significant. Perhaps the lingering memories of a lot of solo travel to Vancouver remained, and it was traveling solo to London that made it seem fraught with worry. (also: fear, anxiety, and paranoia.)
Except I didn't let any of that incapacitate me. I got on that plane, and I had a really, really great time. It did wonders for me to experience so much, alone.
Despite my slight bargaining into the 90 minute mark of continued turbulence over the Atlantic Ocean, (the kind where the flight attendants had to take their seats as well), I got on the plane again Thursday morning. A long weekend in Portland with a good friend marks the last of my solo travels for 2012 and I see myself making long-term travel plans for the future without any of the fear, anxiety or paranoia that gripped me for much of this year.
I now look to the future with anticipation. I do a disservice to myself, and especially my sister by not appreciating all that life offers. Life is good and worthy of honor, not to be shroud in fear.
Despite my slight bargaining into the 90 minute mark of continued turbulence over the Atlantic Ocean, (the kind where the flight attendants had to take their seats as well), I got on the plane again Thursday morning. A long weekend in Portland with a good friend marks the last of my solo travels for 2012 and I see myself making long-term travel plans for the future without any of the fear, anxiety or paranoia that gripped me for much of this year.
I now look to the future with anticipation. I do a disservice to myself, and especially my sister by not appreciating all that life offers. Life is good and worthy of honor, not to be shroud in fear.
That's right, honey. It takes time and a lot of courage to keep pushing through. I'm in awe of how far you have come, and I am always here - holding your hand along the way. xoxoxo
ReplyDelete"life is good and worthy of honor" ... as are you.
ReplyDeleteyou are brave. and you help others to be brave too.