I've been alone this week. M is out of town on a business trip, and Miss A is with the entire 6th grade class at science-based camp. Cabins and hiking; tide pools and star watching. No phones and no contact until they step off the bus sometime Friday afternoon.
I needed this perspective, needed to see that they actually do help out quite a lot with Howard, that it's not completely all on me as it has seemed up to this week.
Howard doesn't make it through the night, so there's 20 minutes in the wee hours of the morning where I'm in that beautiful, twilight-y dream state as I fall back asleep. One morning, I had a revelation as I dreamed about being in practice as an acupuncturist. There was a man getting ready to go face down onto my table. I didn't see his face, but approaching him, I knew I didn't want the responsibility of treating him.
Responsibility. The word so clearly defines and describes why I can't practice any longer. I have nothing left to protect myself in the exchange of energy that takes place between practitioner and patient. I no longer possess what it takes for me to give the best of myself when giving to and receiving energy.
A friend recently said that she believes anyone that works with energy, (acupuncture, massage, reiki, qi gong, etc.), has a capacity that they'll reach when they have nothing left. Overwhelmed with empathy, our well overflows and I've reached saturation.
I think I was looking to resuming acupuncture practice as a crutch. Something I know how to do and I know I'm good at, it seems that it has become a safety net for me. In my deepest heart, I know I'm not really interested in practicing, especially after my dreamy insight.
I have not said one thing different than what I've been saying here for the past few months. Or maybe I have.
Howard doesn't make it through the night, so there's 20 minutes in the wee hours of the morning where I'm in that beautiful, twilight-y dream state as I fall back asleep. One morning, I had a revelation as I dreamed about being in practice as an acupuncturist. There was a man getting ready to go face down onto my table. I didn't see his face, but approaching him, I knew I didn't want the responsibility of treating him.
Responsibility. The word so clearly defines and describes why I can't practice any longer. I have nothing left to protect myself in the exchange of energy that takes place between practitioner and patient. I no longer possess what it takes for me to give the best of myself when giving to and receiving energy.
A friend recently said that she believes anyone that works with energy, (acupuncture, massage, reiki, qi gong, etc.), has a capacity that they'll reach when they have nothing left. Overwhelmed with empathy, our well overflows and I've reached saturation.
I think I was looking to resuming acupuncture practice as a crutch. Something I know how to do and I know I'm good at, it seems that it has become a safety net for me. In my deepest heart, I know I'm not really interested in practicing, especially after my dreamy insight.
I have not said one thing different than what I've been saying here for the past few months. Or maybe I have.
there is such a clarity in this post. that's got to feel amazing. (i'm hoping some will rub off on me.) xo
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