current status

self portrait. hollywood forever cemetery, los angeles.

The word I chose for 2012 was/is photographer. Originally I chose something else, a word I no longer even remember. Perhaps it's proof all these months later that there's something to choosing a word, and as such, whatever that word was, really wasn't mine.

It has been a good word, photographer, one that I've learned to embrace without back pedaling my credentials. I've become comfortable calling myself such without cringing and looking over my shoulder certain someone will call me out as a fraud.

I had two group shows this year, something that before they occurred was my be all, end all.  And while I'm proud of having achieved a goal, (and here I thought I didn't have any...), and crossing a line item off of that list of mine, I stand behind my feelings that the best part of showing was the knowledge I gleaned about galleries and art openings, and especially, what I learned about myself.

My lingering impression these months later isn't about having had a lot of people see my work, (although it certainly felt like a lot of people when I was standing there all dork awkward), even though that was pretty great. And it hasn't opened any new doors for me, because the thing I learned is this: 

I need to be able to market myself. The end. 

I needed to be able to do it to be a successful acupuncturist, and if I want to be a successful fine art photographer, showing in galleries and such, I will have to do it again. 

And it's that very word, successful, that has me recognizing that my idea of success and what it will take to succeed, has changed. 

I've learned that my definition of success is not definitive right now. That what I thought was important to me artistically really isn't, and that it's time, (has been time), to rework my romanticized version of what it means to be a showing artist, with what I know now.

Recently, a friend made through M afforded me an introduction to an east coast gallery owner for his point of view. This isn't me getting into his gallery, (although it hasn't been taken off the table necessarily either), rather this was a rare opportunity for a critical eye on my work, including advice and mentorship. 

My first instinct was to run. I'd gone to his website and he has a respected list of artists that he represents, which immediately triggered insecurity and shit-talking gremlins to make room, in full force. M pushed me to write my introductory email in which I allowed for the opportunity for this man to answer my questions in email, instead of a phone conversation,  and he chose to take the time to speak!!*

I was afforded an hour of his time; invaluable insight with a keen eye and kind critique, a true gift of opportunity.  I took notes, and I required myself to listen, to not try to write word for word what he was saying, (even though his artist statements were brilliant), because they were his words, and I would miss the lesson and learning by yearning to capture what really needed to be heard.

I will share more as I process my thoughts and his words, but this very long drawn out post here has a point. At the beginning of our conversation, I mentioned that since showing I haven't felt like much of a photographer and he said,

"every artist has down time after showing...every question you have right now can be answered in your studio."



*Which pleased me to no end, knowing that he'd looked at my website, saw my work, and still wanted to talk. 
Insecure much? Yeah, I'm trying to work on that...