a revised atlas

Today on Relish Liz asks,

What does your body hold from 2012? Where did your feet walk? What did your hands hold? What did you tuck gently into your heart?

After an illuminating meal last night, there was a story telling session loosely faciliated by this lovely lady whom I'd met for the first time on this occasion. Story telling and sharing becomes a way for a memory to be triggered into a story, because the person sharing their story has been prompted by another, and so it goes.

I've been thinking a lot about how appealing last night was, (on many levels obvs), and especially for the story telling. Today's prompt immediately became something else; a spark of inspiration coinciding with a self portrait I took this morning and shoved into a drawer to hide. 

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This year, I've lost and gained, gained and lost. I've exercised regularly, and then I haven't. I've discovered a link to my gluten and dairy issues, and I've unearthed new depths when it comes to triggers and food. 

I prefer my body when it's lean, and when it isn't, (see my round belly in this photo), the map is unfurled and the invocation begins. Ancient, salacious sentences whispered in the recesses of my thoughts, my vision clouded as I gaze at myself in the mirror.

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What tethers me to my dog-eared map and its outdated topography, is the way I speak to myself about my body. There have been very few days since miss A was born that I haven't had something to say about my body, a decade long comparison of before and after. 

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I'm looking for a revised atlas that leads me to an easier relationship with my body. I'm tired and bored with the wave of words that roll in. I'm trying very hard to leave expectations behind by exposing the soft and vulnerable in way that creates an open and forward momentum in my thoughts.