soft :: ease :: vulnerable

I restore myself when I'm alone.  -Marilyn Monroe

I like that December offers a variety of generosity and creativity on the internet with different prompts and downloads available to reflect on where you've been in the past year and to dream about where you'd like to go in the next.

Rebecca is offering Relish this year, with daily prompts for blog posts. Some reflective, some fun, I like having an outline of things to think about; especially since this time of year (and Hannukah arriving VERY early), is so busy. 

Today's prompt, seemed the perfect opportunity to begin.

If we’re lucky we always find ourselves with a soft place to land. Who, what, or where was yours this year?

This past year, I've learned to let go. I've always been incredibly hard on myself with an impossible measuring system based on outdated beliefs and old habits dying hard. With no where left to go after my sister died and I decided to retire as an acupuncturist, (2011 was a big year), last November I began to peel away the bullshit and that self-examination began a paring away of what needed to go. 

We moved house and I physically purged all the dead weight I'd packed from one coast to the next. I sifted my clothes and belongings and kept only what I loved, what I felt represented me and not some idea I'd seen somewhere online; evident in the bags of clothes donated to Good Will.

I examined all of my relationships on every level and at some point I began relying on myself as my soft place to land. I knew/know that I have the love and support I need, but the self-love...that has been largely non-existent on a deep, non-judgemental level. 

Simply put: I have a hard time letting myself off the hook and can beat a dead horse to glue. 

What I know is that despite all the love I have, the only way I can receive what is here in front of me, is to love all the things I think make me unloveable. 

That despite all of that unsavoriness I'm worthy.  

Becoming my own soft place to land has been liberating. I've lost the desire to please and while I still want acknowledgment of a job well done, I don't need to look outside of myself any longer for approval. The barrage of foul language I've used on myself has lessened, it seems to make an appearance when the stakes are especially high, I'm tired and/or some combination of all of the above.  I'm working on that.

I'm also working to believe the litany of words that I've adopted since I decided to stop acting like my enemy. Most days it works, and like anything it's a work in progress.