I knew this day was coming, the day she'd walk to and from school alone. I'd prepared myself for it last summer when she got her mobile phone, and was surprised,(and very pleased), when school started and she still wanted me walking her there and back.
Something changed over winter break, (ok, I know what changed), and this kid of my heart is no longer a kid. She'd be quite upset if she heard me say this, (oh how moody and fucking broody she is), because she's desperate to hold onto anything that keeps her a little kid, and I respect her for that.
She'll be twelve very soon. I remember when I was twelve and I'm not going to lie when I say that it began my descent into my first really rough period. I pray that my kid doesn't follow in my footsteps, knowing she won't because her circumstances are very different than my own.
I do see the look she has on her face when she's angry with me, and unfortunately, that's more often than I'd like these days. She has a temper, and when she's moody and broody she is quick to mouth off and that does not fly in my book. Yes it sucks to be almost twelve and in middle school. A lot is required and it does seem very often to be unfair.
That said, she has forgotten that I invented the statement 'it's not fair' and I'm pretty certain it's not fair that as her parent I have to ride along her highway of procrastination. I end up going to bed before she does, driven to exhaustion by 8pm because the drama, (oh the drama!!), has worn me down.
My job is to fade into the woodwork. To be there as a landing place, sturdy and solid. She has to figure all of this out on her own and I'm trying to let that happen, but she's not ready to let go. She pulls me along the up's and down's, because we've always been attached I suppose, and while I'm really not complaining, I am a bit weary of it all.
I wish she'd just figure it out already and I know that she is doing it exactly as she should and on her own time.
I don't envy her these years.
The next few years are tough. 12-15 is awkward and strange and your parents often suck. It's a fact, it just feels crap to be on the receiving end this time as the parent. (And I know, also part of the process.)
That said, she has forgotten that I invented the statement 'it's not fair' and I'm pretty certain it's not fair that as her parent I have to ride along her highway of procrastination. I end up going to bed before she does, driven to exhaustion by 8pm because the drama, (oh the drama!!), has worn me down.
My job is to fade into the woodwork. To be there as a landing place, sturdy and solid. She has to figure all of this out on her own and I'm trying to let that happen, but she's not ready to let go. She pulls me along the up's and down's, because we've always been attached I suppose, and while I'm really not complaining, I am a bit weary of it all.
I wish she'd just figure it out already and I know that she is doing it exactly as she should and on her own time.
I don't envy her these years.
The next few years are tough. 12-15 is awkward and strange and your parents often suck. It's a fact, it just feels crap to be on the receiving end this time as the parent. (And I know, also part of the process.)
I got my first,"MUUUUM! DON'T!" when I tried to hug her before school this morning. She's seven. I knew it was coming but something broke all the same.
ReplyDeleteoh. my heart. i am not ready for 12. i am not even ready for YOUR 12. that is how not ready i am. as i'm right now watching my four year old play with a ruler, measuring literally EVERYTHING she finds in the house. the baby is napping. this is my day and part of me can't wait for the forward momentum and part of me wants to stay here forever. and i know i am going to shrivel a bit when she walks somewhere on her own, leaves my sight for the day. oh. lord. i am not ready for this.
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