malleable

I come here to write, to share the thoughts that are swirling around and I leave without a word posted. I post my lists because I've committed to doing so this year, but they feel perfunctory and they certainly can't be all that interesting to read. 

Sorry about that.

I haven't been writing in my journal much, and I haven't been shooting; certainly not like I used to, and what I have shot doesn't have much of a cohesive sense other than the ordinary shots of my life these days.

I say that I'm in a slump when I'm asked what I'm working on, but that's not it. A slump has always been a low period for me, and this doesn't feel like that. Rather, I'm working on myself and learning to be present in my daily life. Regular, vigorous exercise has been key and so has spending more time in my kitchen. 

This takes a lot of my energy and I like it in a way that I never thought I would. I've fought for so long to stay relevant, to keep a definition of myself that includes me as a career woman; that being a stay at home mom was never the plan and is temporary.

It's what Nanny McPhee said,

When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. 

Once I stopped fighting, once I accepted that this is exactly where I need to be right now, all the other crap fell away. 

I get it. I cannot find my answers until I accept what's in front of me. There is beauty in this life that I've been fighting, certainly not worthy of the lowly status of less than that I've relegated my circumstances to. 

My life is anything but small. It deserves better. I'm lucky that my life isn't stagnant, that there is momentum and now, is a time to settle and sit back. To watch and see what unfolds instead of trying to snap the lines and smooth the edges.