realize

My list for this week was early. I was discombobulated from my mid-week road trip and wrote that list believing I was behind, forgetting that I'd written this list just two days prior.

I realized whilst talking to a friend on Friday that my declaration about retreats was somewhat of a misnomer. I think it's the unknown that draws out my anxiety; it's the possibility of finding myself amongst others that I would rather not be in the company of. 

Nothing against anyone else, their journey and living a dream, but that's just it. We're all at different places on our paths and I think for me to share the best of myself, I have to do that in a more controlled environment. For me it's like someone has thrown down an imaginary gauntlet, game on, and  my unsavory adjectives, (snarky, insecure, competitive, jealous), roar to life.

In that same conversation, (an afternoon spent in a bath house draws out lovely conversations), I realized that I crave my what my friend has created in her own life: a community of allies to retreat with; to create with; my own collective. 

I have cultivated my small handful of allies that nurture me. We are creative together, we travel with one another...it's a constant in my life that I rely upon and never take for granted, but I also realized in those toxin-releasing waters, that I'm looking for more. 

And that hard-fast declarations, especially those that are written in list formation, are generally best left to those moments when you talk yourself down; gently pushing away from the publish button and the computer, taking a breathe and stepping the hell away.