Unfortunately, I'm aces when it comes to selling myself short. I'm very shy, awkward too, although once I'm comfortable it's hard to shut me up.
Unless of course you're a stranger, (and we'll never meet again), then I'll likely have diarrhea of the mouth. I literally can't shut up and very often will tell a stranger something I would not tell someone I was getting to know/wanted to befriend.
The other evening at a photography event, I was speaking with a friend when someone she knew walked up. My friend made the introductions, including the compliment, 'this is Kristen, she's also a photographer and she makes lovely work...' which I immediately discredited and back pedaled in typical fashion.
Afterwards, my friend pointed out that I'd just thrown myself under the bus to a well-known, established L.A. gallerist. She went onto give me a gentle-talking to, and as I said in an earlier post, I haven't stopped thinking about it since.
I didn't realize who this man was, and it didn't occur to me that there would be gallerists, (DUH!!!), and maybe other curators at any this show. Clearly, I have no clue whose who in the fine art photography world and I need to learn.
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I did it again this past Tuesday, when I walked into the gallery where our show is tomorrow night, and instead of saying thank you when I showed my piece, I started in.
My teacher shouted, 'get over it', while another classmate shook her head and exclaimed, 'why would you say that about your own work?' I have to agree: why would I?
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What I see is that I look for opportunities to prove that I'm less than. I seek out impossible standards for myself in my work and when I inevitably fail, it proves everything...and nothing that is useful or productive or even true.
I also need to learn how to take a compliment when it comes to my work. I'm proud of what I put out in the world until I have to talk about it.
In the spotlight, I evaporate. I'm certain to be found out, and I am instantly overwhelmed by insecurity that has been lurking in the shadows of my psyche since I began.
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What I have to remember, always, is that this is a learning process. I've been at this fine art game for exactly one year and yet I compare myself to seasoned, established artists.
And for what purpose? Their success doesn't assure my failure, especially when the measuring stick is subjective. There is room for everyone and I truly believe that. Now I have to believe that there's also space for me.
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The beauty is that all this introspection comes before my show tomorrow night. I have the opportunity to make a change for myself by making tomorrow different.
I'm not talking miracles here, what I want is to be present in my body. Of being conscious of my words before I speak, and remembering to breathe.
