reverie

Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Last year I had a friend breakup that just about broke me. And for the better part of last year, I tortured myself over its particulars. I accepted all the blame and responsibility, and I felt incredibly sorry for myself.

For the longest time I could not get past my emotions. I allowed myself to absorb all that was said and done, and all of that fed into every shitty belief I'd ever held about myself and the fundamental truth that I was damaged goods.

Once I got over my pity party, I realized I'd been given a gift when I was dumped. Once I stopped wallowing and discovered a way to let go of the hurt/anger/fear/shame, I was able to see the light I shine.

My light began to illuminate what was true in the situation for me. What did I really need to learn? By examining the things that I could, (and needed to), change with an open heart, I've allowed space for grace and compassion. 

There is forgiveness. For myself and all of my flaws. For not believing in myself enough to know that everything, everything, is mutable, and especially, that the only person I need to worry about liking me, is me.

Most of all there is compassion. Certainly for the girl who is no longer in my life, but most importantly for myself. That compassion has been a long time coming and when I find it, (however brief), it floods me with a lightness of being that I now crave.

Compassion is one of my core desired feelings. It is the gossamer thread that stitches me whole again.