It's strange knowing that I've put all my eggs into one basket; knowing that I've set the bar impossibly high. The thing about this exam that's different from the other exams I've had to take is that I've always had something else. When I took the national exams that allows me to practice in almost all of the states, except a handful that include NJ and CA, (irony, much?), I was still in school. Taking those exams before I graduated was pretty awesome; it gave me the ability to hit the ground running towards my license the minute I graduated.
And when I took the NJ board a few years later, I had my practice in Manhattan. On the off chance that I didn't pass, I'd still be working in the city; not ideal because of the commute, but I was employed.
This time it's different. This time, it will have been nine months since I shut my NJ practice down by the time the test results arrive. When we first arrived here in Los Angeles I tried to get a job; I wanted to work part-time to keep busy and I learned that my little pipe dream of working in a cafe, was just that. I applied for jobs. Not a lot of positions, but I definitely put myself into the job pool and it was humbling. Not one interview. Not a one.
So the stakes feel really high with this test. I'm trying to hold it all together; trying not to buy into the fear, because that fear can be crippling.
Three weeks and counting. Reminding me of the waiting period when I was pregnant. By the time our girl was delivered I was tired of being on bed rest, tired of being pregnant. Sure, fear was present, (as a control freak, fear of the unknown is my elephant in the room), but I was so tired of being tired that I just wanted it to happen already.
And the same holds true now. I'm so tired of studying; tired of complaining about studying and most of all, tired of worrying about all the what if's I've come up with these past 3 1/2 months.
I say bring it.
I'm ready.
