I've worked hard to get to here, and while I'm always a work in progress, I do believe it's time to call bullshit on myself.
M said on New Years Eve, "2011 is about you Kiki", and I've taken those words to heart.
I will continue to work on my issues, but that's a life process; really, my issues are always going to be my issues, they just present themselves in new ways.
I'm calling bullshit on hiding behind disguises and excuses and all the ways that I choose to not love myself.
I clean up nicely and look good in clothes because I know what I can and can not wear. On the outside, I present younger than my 46 years and I pretend that my insides match what you see.
But here's the truth: when I look in the mirror I see the skin melting off my face. I see flabby skin and bingo arms and I wish my c-section scar was flat instead of wonky. I'm softer and have less muscle than I'd like and it takes so much more time to lose weight or get in shape than it used to, sometimes I think, what's the point?
I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of wearing old clothes and not wearing makeup because I'm just studying. It's an old, boring story to say mean things to myself every day about my frown lines or how flabby my tummy really is...today it stops.
I know that it doesn't really stop today, (old habits die hard, yo), but every time I cut myself down, I'm going to say something nice on its heels.
I'm not going to use excuses when life gets too busy and I stop working out, (again), because this 3 week momentum I've got going has me feeling better about myself and also, sleeping better.
I declared that I was going to start wearing red lipstick again and with that, I've gone to the mattresses. I've cleaned out my closet of the clothes that don't fit, don't look good or just plain make me feel less than amazing. I'm wearing makeup every day, (at the very least mascara), and even if I'm "just studying" I'm still going to feel amazing in what I've got on, even if I've gone for comfort.
As much as I've pretended that all of this doesn't matter to me, it does. Call me superficial, I'll embrace the superficial if it means feeling better about myself every day.
