If you know me, you know that I loathe the center of attention. I'm shy and a bit socially awkward, although once you know me it can be difficult to shut me up. I love that M is super social because he takes one for our team. I always have him walk ahead of me into a social setting, my buffer and cover.
It's one of the reasons I find marketing my acupuncture practice difficult. I don't give talks or lectures, and I'm not comfortable at health fairs.
It extends into my art and photography. I have projects that lay in my idea binder; the dust settling, the ideas screaming my name as I walk by. The excuses enabling my inertia and procrastination and so it continues. Other than flickr, (and very random updates in my shop), my only other consistency is to down-play my work. I haven't followed up with a friend when she offered to help promote a series of photos at work. Not following up on a friend's request for a photo series for her husband's gift this past year.
A lot of my behavior hinges on my board exam, it's true. I've definitely kept myself in a holding pattern ever since we moved; anticipating this exam, not really allowing myself to think or do anything beyond this.
Really, at the bottom of it all, is self confidence. I think I've only just begun to realize how crippled I am by my own negative dialog. I inflict the worst upon myself and then sit back to wait, pouncing upon any opportunity to show myself where I've failed.
Luckily, even old habits become boring and just old and in need of change. Steady work that won't come overnight; in fact, I've been trying to force some of these issues into change for so long, I've also learned what doesn't work, (and that would be forcing an issue.)
Because the universe is serendipitious after all, an email from a friend arrived just as I sat here finishing this post, an invitation full of opportunity.
