this morning, 8:12am.
I don't remember where I found this little meme, (remember memes?), but I like it as a way to check in with myself; a seasonal way to ask myself where am I on my path.
I am a girl who is struggling to keep it together. You see a brave front, (or maybe you don't), but it wouldn't be an exaggeration when I say that these days, I'm often on the verge of tears.
I come from rumination. I'm so completely up my ass in my head that it's a battle, (daily, hourly), to quell the negative and the worry; desperately trying to believe in the cup half full and all the other Pollyanna-isms that I can think of.
I see beauty everywhere. I'm so deeply inspired by our home here in Los Angeles; my camera beckons and calls my name, taunting me away from my studies. I'm fascinated that I live at the beach, so close to the sea, and yet this part of California is a desert and the weather this winter very much reflects that.
I love you, (yes you), for supporting me unconditionally. For understanding that this decision I've chosen is the path I have to take and there's no judgement. You believe in me when I don't believe in myself and you need to know that this is what is getting me through. Truly.
I believe in the path that is my trajectory. Everything happening right now is so much bigger than all of my fears and anxiety; if I quit now, fear wins.
I find solace in knowing that I've bottomed out. I know that sounds strange but there's a peace that comes when you've gone to the depths; you look at your fear face to face and you know it, truly for what it is. It doesn't mean that I don't get scared or have panic attacks or that my gut is in constant turmoil, (because all of this is true), but I recognize and acknowledge and then let it go. It's a huge milestone accomplishment because one week ago, this wasn't true.
I wonder far too much. This is what keeps me up at night and this is what I'm trying not to do anymore. The wondering, the what if's...no. more. Enough Kristen, enough.
I call Uncle.
I found out that when the chips are down, you learn who continues to stand beside you. Even though we all know this to be true, dude, there's a lot of sadness in the changes that occur when the shit hits the fan.
