notes on life : decades

The 40's are touted as the 'it' decade. The time you discover yourself and come into your own. Magazines and blogs are devoted to this time, this woman, and it can be empowering.

It can also be stifling and a way to further throw yourself under the bus, (if you're apt to this behavior), if your 40's aren't all they're cracked up to be. 

Mine weren't. My 40's were my toughest adult decade by far. I struggled more, hit more highs and lows physically and mentally and the truth is: I lost myself.  

The learning about life and myself that happened during my 40's was rich with experience and for that I am grateful. I'm also grateful to be here, because your 40's are also about losing people. Suddenly people you know that aren't your grandparents age pass away and it is sobering. 

A lot of my friends and acquaintances got divorced these past few years, and I'm glad we are seem to be past all of that now. My role and my girl's needs are different now, although no less needed which  does my heart a solid and buys me a little time. Soon enough this kid will be gone and I'm examining our options with an open mind and heart.

What I'm settling into so far, (it's only been a couple months of 50 after all), is being comfortable asking myself these questions...

How do I want to feel?
What do I want?
Where do I begin?

Without a sense of urgency I know where I stand. Grounded and open, my way illuminated.