Sometimes the message is loud and clear, although it often takes me a few tries/times/go arounds before I get it.
Often I believe that I'm being paranoid when I first ascertain a situation, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't true, because very often I am just being paranoid.
This year I've been making a concerted effort to be open and present. It has to be a very conscious attempt on my part because it isn't my normal operating system.
I've tried to push through the icky thoughts that can cloud my thinking, knowing that I'm the only person that can change that line of thought, and then I realize that it's not always me.
I have to stop taking the brunt of the responsibility for everything. I have to stop believing the blanketed and covert thinking that places me as a victim, poor poor Kristen, and fucking pull up my pants and go.
Good grief what a fucking waste of time it has been, worrying about what I do, and what if, and what it will be, and, and, and.
Sometimes, I can't believe I believe I became so caught up in grief/pity/longing that I couldn't see myself shrinking away.
