I saw an acupuncture school friend for lunch yesterday, she'd tagged along on her husband's business trip and was staying nearby.
Being in that universe of academia all those years ago was an intense experience. Our class was about 80 students, which at the time felt immense and now seems familiar. 4 years in intimate quarters. We were fully integrated into one another's lives and now, over a decade later, it's almost hard to remember.
It felt good to be in her company, to catch up and share what our lives have been like. The best part of the day was being able to tell my stories without any shame.* If I'd met with up her a year ago, I don't think I'd have shared my stories in this way.
I'd have shared some version of the story. The old gnawed on version, the one I'd worked over and over to make authentic; hoping that if I said it enough I'd begin to believe it, even though it never really worked out like that.
Telling my truth, without any tears or hitches in my voice, was liberating. And probably the first time I'd talked so candidly with someone outside of my comfort zone.
My acupuncture friend had her own stories to tell. The biggest compliment I could have received was when she said she was really glad to have talked to me about all of it, that it made her feel better about where she is on her path.
FUCK YEAH!
Such an amazing feeling to have spoken about something that had very recently provoked shame, embarrassment and fear and to have it be anything but that. And as I've heard a million times: the truth telling diffuses all the icky feelings that are attached to a story.
It was also a big realization that I felt totally comfortable in my retired from practice status. There weren't any wistful longings or pangs of envy when we talked about acupuncture and herbs. I love Chinese Medicine and always will. I believe in its powers and I know that it is the only thing that saved me when I had my breakdown.
It continues to influence how I operate in the world and to date, it was the best job outside the home I've ever had. I went out on top, (because when we left NJ I had every intention of practicing here in CA), and in hindsight that's a really good thing.
*in a photography workshop last fall, it was repeated over and over that the things we're working through now, in class, are the issues you'll be working on in the future. well fuck. it's funny, (is it really?), how that mind map i made in november is reverberating now...
